Don't reserve your sentiments for a special occasion. This week I lost a classmate, suddenly and was filled with all sorts of emotions. One of regret, for not checking in more frequently, one of sorrow after reading all of the postings about how so many of us have lost touch.
It is so easy to put making that phone call, writing that letter, sending that text, on the back burner assuming tomorrow will always be there.
I remember that my parents were not quick to profess love, but I always had felt it. However, in my generation I think demonstration and communication were on the rise. I think I said it ad nauseum. As a result, they came around and we started declaring our love back and forth. When they both inevitably passed, I had a sense that they knew I was grateful for them.
Of course, I reflect on the trouble I caused and felt remorse, but that is just simply the pains of growing up and recognizing that it really wasn't always all about me. It was nice having it all about me… Then I became a parent.
Do our sentiments make us feel vulnerable? Is it a question of not wanting to show more love than you feel is being reciprocated?
It is like being afraid to show your feelings in a new relationship. Do you like them more than they like you? Who says I love you first? We are instructed by our peers and confidantes not to call too often so that we don't look too interested or needy.
We wouldn't want someone to think we were obsessed.
We are a weird culture.
I remember when guys came on too strong, I felt smothered and ran away. In all honestly, looking back, it was truly because I was afraid to reciprocate and delve into my feelings. When relationships get deep, people see the real you. I would have to show that I was flawed.
We are all flawed, and if someone accepts you for your warts and all, that is true love. I guess that is something you learn with age.
I try to not hold grudges for that reason. I can't harbor ill will. I need to get my feelings out. I sleep soundly (despite my awakening every two hours to pee). It is my feeling that keeping feelings inside leads to sickness. I don't think it is healthy to swallow your feelings. For whatever reason, it is my belief that this causes cancer.
Having a teenage son, it is not uncommon that he pushes my buttons, and I often feel exasperated.
I do make it a point every night to tell him that I love him. I always want those words in his head before he goes to sleep. It is really important that we make our loved ones feel that we don't take them for granted, and that we do appreciate them.
So in closing, I do have a message for Heidi, I am so sorry you were in so much pain, and I hope you are now at peace. It seems as if you left your mark on this world and that is a big deal.
Rest in Peace